Archive for April, 2009

why are some common things so hard to do

Posted in addictions, money, quitting smoking failure, smoking, Society with tags , , , , on April 29, 2009 by wkct

Firstly, let’s get my addiction problems out of the way.  As we know, I can’t be trusted with money because I will immediately use any eight dollars I find to buy cigarettes. I thought I’d be quitting on Monday because I ran out of cigarettes and money at the same time. I won’t ask Coffee for cigarette money.  I felt ready to quit.

But I found ten dollars and in my pocket that I immediately converted to cigarettes.  On the upside,  I just ran out of money again (yes, I’m calling that an upside) and will be forced to not smoke tomorrow.

Remember critics (as if anyone reads this blog), the simple ideas like that I could stick to a pack a day, chew nicotine gum instead of smoke, or even consent to the situation of not smoking because I’m out of scratch instead of robbing a convenience store for all its menthols is a major improvement over the last quarter century. Am I proud?, No, like Bart Simpson, I feel less shame.

Onward to this common thing business. I’m reading postings on MSN about credit issues and I thinking, credit is universal to all adults, and yet no one knows how their credit scores are actually tabulated.  There’s no conventional wisdom involved; strangely, many smart moves involving credit repair are counter-intuitive.  Why should this be so hard?  Here’s some other  things that shouldn’t be so hard…

Divorce – a common situation that bankrupts all sorts of couples and takes years to conclude.

Marriage – getting all the crap together, holding the ceremony and the party, all that business is way too intense.

Taxes – few people understand their filings, or even why their tax payments are what they are

Credit – why so mysterious?

Buying a Car – why can’t I just walk into a store, pick out a car, pay for it and drive it away?

my complaint about teenage girls

Posted in general, Society with tags , , , , on April 26, 2009 by wkct

Where should I go to file my complaint about teenage girls and the terrible thing I witnessed today?

I was driving through town with Coffee when I spotted groups of teen girls, soaking wet and in bikinis.  They were agitating on a few corners, waving signs.  One girl, with hips like a Neolithic fetish goddess, hid her form behind her sign, making it look as though she were naked. The rest just bounced around, waved their arms, dripped water in the hot sun, and pulled at their clinging shorts.

If I wasn’t with someone , I would have slammed on the brakes and ran screaming into the hills.

These hyperactive angels were promoting a car washing event to benefit their la cross team, or some such shit. The thing though is, the actual car washing was done by teenage boys!  This was a clear case of false advertising, which caused me terrible, terrible disappointment.

These girls were taught by their school that sex sells, and to display sex to sell something that totally is void of teenage sexiness, like a bunch of half-nake dudes cleaning my car.  I was outraged/totally turned on.  I cut through a parking lot to avoid a corner full of these beautiful creatures, to keep passing out from the excitement.

It was totally unfair!  I soooooooo wanted these girls to clean my car, while I watched from the bushes. 

So, today these girls learned how to sell things with their bodies, and I learned that I am a creepy pervert.  Lessons learned all around.

a good reason not to quit

Posted in addictions, bullies, quitting smoking failure, smoking, Society with tags , , , on April 19, 2009 by wkct

On Saturday I had quite a little adventure that wrecked my plans for quitting this weekend.  I think near felonious assault counts as a good reason to buy a pack of smokes.

We were in the Shopwrong doing a bit of shopping.  Coffee walked up to the open express line while I wandered in a circle sucking on my iced vanilla drink.  We probably didn’t look like we were together. 

My senses weren’t really up, looking for danger, but out of the corner of my eye I caught this big guy practically running through the store coming in at an angle that looked a lot like a trajectory for the register.  I was like, no way, he’s not trying to cut in front of Coffee. He cut right in front of Coffee.

I couldn’t hear her, but I’ve known her so many years I knew what she said to him.  She said, “You cut right in front of me. That’s rude.” She continued to put her stuff on the conveyor as the line cutter purchased his little crap.

He looked down on her – she’s four ten on a good day, and this guy was maybe six four – and bellowed, “Yes I did, and it’s tough, isn’t it?”

I just stood there behind my sunglasses and straw, processing this interchange.  Did this really happen? Did this guy really say that? I contemplated letting it go, but then I thought about it.

It’s one thing to be an ass to me. I don’t care. I’m not looking for trouble. But he picked on this tiny woman because he’s bigger. A fucking bully. And I’ve had enough of bullies.

I see the bullies all day at my company, picking on the weak, abusing the fearful.  I have totally fucking had it.  I decided to have a little conversation with the bully.  I said slowly, in a cool cucumber way, “The proper response would have been ‘I’m sorry.’ ”

The bully immediately went into the classic bully defense, the Poor Me.  He said, “I would have said I was  sorry if she properly talked to me, ” and blathered on some more, basically saying, Coffee was mean to him, that’s why he was rude back.

I’ve known her for many years. I know her reaction in different circumstances.  I know how she says things. I knew this was complete and utter bullshit.

From there on, things became a little cloudy, and I’m not certain exactly how the events transpired,  but  in the middle of the store I reached deep, deep into my limbic brain and pulled out the few words that I stored there.

“You know what, ” I queried, ” FUCK YOU!.”

He tried to play it off, he tried to play the intellectual, hectoring me about my bad language. He tried to stand his ground, and he was good at it. But I wouldn’t let go. For every thing he said to my like, “I’ll talk with you about it when you use proper language,” I simply said…

“FUCK YOU.”

To everything. Every litle application of logic he tried. Every sentence he over-constructed. He was a long-time bully, and he knew how to deflect, how to never take blame.  I had no interest in discourse, in logic, in a discussion of manners.  The man needed to be smote down, and when the fog of battle momentarily cleared and I could think with my higher functions, I said, “You thought you could pick on a little girl. You’re a bully. GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

He eventually headed for the door, but my admonishment of, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.” brought him back to save face. He rushed up to me so I rushed up to him. Inches from each other he tried to play the school teacher. “You want to fuck me? Do you want me to fuck you?” Cute.

I looked at him and then just roared with disgust, “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD.”

Interestingly, each time I yelled at him, Coffee would yell at me, “Stop it!”  She was afraid he was going to hit me. I wasn’t afraid. I was in full on battle mode and ready for a fight to the death. I wasn’t going to let him leave with any face. I was going to tell him all my limbic brain had to offer which was…

“FUCK YOU YOU DICKHEAD.”

I don’t know how he extricated himself from this. He left. He said something. The sound of swords beating on shields filled my ears. I was deaf. I was a machine. When he left, my vision expanded and I was able to see some old dude motioning to me to calm down. He said, “He’s not worth it.”

I turned to grab our groceries, and noticed the poor cashier, a teen boy, completely in shock, wishing to be somewhere else. Odd, I thought, teens see much more violence in a day than an old man like me.

The Ernie Kovacs monkey trio of FUCK YOU, STOP IT, YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? had ended. I explained loudly, “He’s a bully. He thought he could pick on a little girl. Now he’ll go home and pick on his wife. ”

Then I drove to the first gas station I could find and bought smokes.

Ta Da!

a new kinda high

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , on April 19, 2009 by wkct

The nicotine gum, specifically Nicorette, vanilla flavor, gives me the hiccoughs. And I like it. Is that sick or what?

It’s kind of like smoking; pop the gum, get a blast of nicotine, and then a physical reaction.  I actually like the hiccough ride. But it’s coming to an end.

I’ve used so much of the gum, that I guess my tissues are saturated with nicotine,  and now I really don’t get the hiccoughs.  Too bad, too sad.

Smoking has so much to do with behaviors outside of the simple addiction to nicotine. Though nicotine’s pretty addictive, like any other chemical, one can overcome it with time.  It’s the rest of the smoking experience that’s hard to break.

I was just on a smoking help site, and  some poor bastard  wrote in that he started having cravings so bad that he went back to smoking… six years after quitting. WTF?

What’s in it for me.  I love the feeling of getting full, I love the play of the little white tube.   I love playing with the damn thing.

When I first quit, and went on Chantix, I was able to avoid smoking.  After Chantix, I went back to smoking.  First thing I noticed was that Kools were much, much smaller than I remember.  Cigarettes are tiny and fragile, but I didn’t remember them that way.  Whoa dude!

Whilst not smoking, I found that I began and ended  specific tasks with cigarettes.  Certain parts of my job, driving, coming home, going to bed, finishing eating, et cetera.

I’m one of these only children who spends most of his time inside of his own mind.  I dream, think, read, study.  I think cigarettes,  like eating, are a  way of poking at my body, reminding me that’s I’m actually alive.

the end of a week

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking failure, smoking with tags , , , on April 17, 2009 by wkct

Well, I found my major smoking stressor: work.  I panicked each and every morning this work week and totally and utterly failed to quit. On the upside, I’m only smoking a pack a day instead of my full-on two packs.

Also, I’ve learned that I can go extended times without cigarettes.  Quite interesting actually. I never thought I could go more than a short time without one. Also, I learned that working, even doing bill paying at work, seems to require a cigarette.

I looked at my American Express bill today with a smoke in my mouth and it felt just so right.

Tomorrow is Saturday; no smokes for me. I’m going to meter out my nicotine gum, stay off the smokes Saturday Sunday and Monday, and then return to work on Tuesday.

I’m so tired of this.  I  hope I can find the strength.

well, that didn’t take long

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking failure, smoking with tags , , on April 13, 2009 by wkct

First day at work  this week.  I worked for about an hour, then the inane chatter started outside my office, and I marched right out to the corner store and bought a pack of stale Newports.

And I’m smoking them still right now, in the comfort of my own home.  Funny thing is, I’m not that excited about them.

When I first lit up, I started laughing maniacally.  Then, I was like, this sucks.  I’m a little nauseous, my breathing is difficult, and I’m just not that interested.  Plus, I was stuck in the same old smoking milieu; standing in the slum of Racoon City, bored, no one to talk too, waiting to finish my cigarette.

I had only one since I got home;  normally, I’d have inhaled about five by now.  Maybe I really am in the home stretch, despite the appearance of failure.

so tired of quitting

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , on April 13, 2009 by wkct

I’m so tired of this nonsense.  I can’t wait until I’m passed this. 

At least I have In Treatment tonight to take my mind off smoking. I also have a large supply of cake. Mmmm. Cake.

I’ll try to put together something informational and entertaining… tomorrow.  I’m just not up to it today.