Archive for the quitting smoking Category

becoming unhinged

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking with tags , , , , on May 10, 2009 by wkct
Now I know why all mental patients smoke like fiends.  Smoking keeps back the darkness.
 
Even with the Nicorette gum, I’m jittery, anxious, tired and nervous.  I can’t really relax.  Really relaxing involves lighting up, sucking in that cool Carolina flavor and feeling my chest expand with smoke.  Now, that’s relaxing.
 
Drinking water, staying busy, and chewing nicotine-laced gum in almost the opposite of relaxing. It’s like climbing oil coated stairs. When I take a deep breath, there’s only air, and I feel like – oddly enough – I can’t breath.
 
For over a quarter of a century my little tubular friends helped me hold back the darkness. Hell, they did all the work, all I had to do was inhale. How does anyone get through the day without twenty or thirty cigarettes???
 
I feel like I’m dying, though the exact opposite is happening; my lungs are starting to clear a bit and I have a little bit – and I mean just an iota – more of stamina.
 
I’m depressed and I’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes.  Could cigarettes have been keeping me from developing psychosis?  Is is just I haven’t pulled my hair back for two days and I’m see strands of hair?  I guess we’ll know in a few weeks when I’m either starting my new health(ier) life or I’m strapped down to a gurney in a psych ward, listening to other patients scream about bugs.
 
Nothing’s making me feel better. I’ve done a bunch of chores but nothing gives me a sense of accomplishment because there’s no smoke reward. Even internet pornography isn’t helping, though I bravely gave it a try.  I don’t know if actual physical contact with a living woman would even help at this point.
 
This is A DAY AND A HALF of quitting! What about a week and a half, a month and a half??
 
Since I went off the Chantix I’ve quit for a day or two here and there, but this is the worse.  Maybe I’m motivated to quit so I know that there’s no cheating in the future. I think this is my last chance.  Shit, just writing that made my heart race. I hate this, though I’m glad to be free of giving my money away to the pump jockey at the gas station, and not having to stand on my porch like a dumbass,  looking at the muddy, spotty grass.
 
This is terrible.
 
 
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a new kinda high

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , on April 19, 2009 by wkct

The nicotine gum, specifically Nicorette, vanilla flavor, gives me the hiccoughs. And I like it. Is that sick or what?

It’s kind of like smoking; pop the gum, get a blast of nicotine, and then a physical reaction.  I actually like the hiccough ride. But it’s coming to an end.

I’ve used so much of the gum, that I guess my tissues are saturated with nicotine,  and now I really don’t get the hiccoughs.  Too bad, too sad.

Smoking has so much to do with behaviors outside of the simple addiction to nicotine. Though nicotine’s pretty addictive, like any other chemical, one can overcome it with time.  It’s the rest of the smoking experience that’s hard to break.

I was just on a smoking help site, and  some poor bastard  wrote in that he started having cravings so bad that he went back to smoking… six years after quitting. WTF?

What’s in it for me.  I love the feeling of getting full, I love the play of the little white tube.   I love playing with the damn thing.

When I first quit, and went on Chantix, I was able to avoid smoking.  After Chantix, I went back to smoking.  First thing I noticed was that Kools were much, much smaller than I remember.  Cigarettes are tiny and fragile, but I didn’t remember them that way.  Whoa dude!

Whilst not smoking, I found that I began and ended  specific tasks with cigarettes.  Certain parts of my job, driving, coming home, going to bed, finishing eating, et cetera.

I’m one of these only children who spends most of his time inside of his own mind.  I dream, think, read, study.  I think cigarettes,  like eating, are a  way of poking at my body, reminding me that’s I’m actually alive.

so tired of quitting

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , on April 13, 2009 by wkct

I’m so tired of this nonsense.  I can’t wait until I’m passed this. 

At least I have In Treatment tonight to take my mind off smoking. I also have a large supply of cake. Mmmm. Cake.

I’ll try to put together something informational and entertaining… tomorrow.  I’m just not up to it today.

am i really quitting smoking?

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , on April 12, 2009 by wkct

Am I really quitting smoking when I’m chomping on my dwindling supply of nicotine gum?  Sure, my breathing is a bit better, and I’m not spending any money on smokes, but still, I’m getting my blasts of nicotine.  A big part of smoking is the chemical addiction to  nicotine.

As I learned with my experience with Chantix,  my smoking addiction is deeper than just the nicotine.  I was completely nicotine free for months when I decided to have just one smoke.  I thought if I indulged myself, I would stop obsessing on smoking.  I missed it – missed the feeling of the smoke entering my body, filling me up, the catch in the back of my throat, the thorough joy of sitting on the couch in front of the TV with a pack of smokes and my computer.

One cigarette.  Then a little while later, another.  Then a whole pack.  Then another whole pack.  And then two whole packs.  Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the dirt road watching the wagon rumble away without me.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to have limit my nicotine gum. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I must return to work Monday.  I’ve got to face everyday life instead of hiding in the apartment with my cat babies and my Xanax.

dazed confused and stupid

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , , on April 10, 2009 by wkct

Went to work today. For about an hour. Before hours.  I signed everything in my basket and then did some basic work on the reports I do.  I farmed out some work and told one of my workers that he did a fine job on some important tasks. I caught up with my manager. I listened to some complaints about the joint from my fellow supervisors. 

I realized early on that I was ready to take someone’s head off.  I had no Xanax to calm me down, and the nicotine gum is no longer working to distract me from my need to smoke.  I took off. I didn’t even sign in.

I’m no longer making intelligent decisions.  Long story short, after I left work I went to Geena’s.  I printed out her son’s homework since their  printer’s on the fritz.  My home printer is useless since the cartridges are dead.  I totally messed up getting her her  new apartment application, the real reason I drove into Racoon City today.  It seems like I can’t solve the simplest of problems.  I’m totally on the edge. I’ve gone.. quite… mad.

email confessions

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , , on April 10, 2009 by wkct

I sent this one out today – no one responded.

I  am a junkie. i suffer from multiple addictions.the current one i am trying to overcome is my favorite – menthol cigarettes.

 
firstly, let me acknowledge a power higher than myself. unfortunately, that power resides with the sophomore cheerleading team at Henrick Hudson high school. I deal with them later
 
i would like to make amends. Foxylove, Wondergirl, Geena, I am sorry that I broke into your homes and stole your used underwear to masturbate with. Actually, that hasn’t happened yet, but I suspect it will, so I’m apologizing early.
 
Sorry to Harridan for borrowing ten dollars that I still owe you.  I’m sure you thought I needed it for food. Instead, I bought a pack of Newports from Maria’s. This was hours after I vowed I’d never smoke again.
 
Sorry to everyone for being a bad friend. Sorry to Geena for dragging you out into the cold to smoke with me. sorry man
 
so… don’t lend me any money, don’t trust anything I say, for a while anyway. if you have a god, pray for me. if not, please put up with my mood swings.
 
i’m trying my best. It’s probably not good enough, but it’s all i got.

knuckles are whitening

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , , on April 9, 2009 by wkct

Old habits die hard.  First thing I did when I got up was need a cigarette.  I used the nicotine gum.

Then i saw the porch door was closed.  I went to open it to vent the smoke, but realized there was  no smoke.

Then, after I  emailed in that I wasn’t coming to work, I started worrying about being out.  Of course, I’m totally replaceable and my unit runs just fine without me.

As I was playing solitaire to clear my mind, I just kept thinking how I wouldn’t make it.

To get my mind off that, I posted this blog.

And then I found something interesting: the WordPress spellchecker doesn’t recognize the word blog.