Archive for the general Category

my pitches for movie twists

Posted in general, Society with tags on August 4, 2009 by wkct

Just saw Surveillance, Jennifer Lynch’s return to the big screen. It sucked. I mean, it would have been good if it were twenty years ago. Jennifer Lynch simply copied her father David Lynch’s style from about a quarter century ago and then tried to make a surprise twist at the end. Unfortunately, I anticipated the twist the first few minutes into the movie.

Movie twists get weaker and weaker as the years pass since the Sixth Sense. I’ve decided to pitch to Hollywood my own plots that have super twists that no one is going to see coming.

Story 1
Ten strangers are invited to a haunted mansion by it’s creepy owner.  He offers anyone who can spend the night a million dollars.  The owner locks them all in and then one by one they are attacked by what appears to be ghosts.  Eight of the guests end up dying.  Only the hero and his girlfriend survive.  The find that the creepy mansion owner is actually behind all the murders, and the supernatural attacks were all faked. They kill the mansion owner and then escape the building, finding themselves in the light of a new day.  But it turns out… they were trapped in the White House and they just killed the President!

Story 2
A man and his wife spend years fixing up a brownstone in an changing neighborhood in an unnamed city.  The wife goes away on a business trip, leaving her husband alone.  He finds that rats are gnawing through is beautifully restored building and eating everything in sight.  They chew through walls, the back of cabinets, and through doors.  He engages the rats in a battle of wits, and the rats we discover are unusually intelligent.  He turns his brownstone into a battlefield and wins a pyrrhic victory against the rats when he kills the young and their hulking mother.  Upon inspection, he finds that… the rats were actually an illegal immigrant Mexican woman and her children!

Story 3
A soccer team is stuck in a disabled airplane.  They are hungry and cold.  They alpha males amongst them plot on how to survive and decide to eat the weaker team members.  In the cramped confines of a commerical jet, they kill their teammates, one by one.  Eventually the group splits into two groups, one with our protagonist and one with our antagonist.  Moral issues arise about how many to kill, or whether to continue killing. Eventually, the antagonist and the protagonist battle to the death after the demise of their groups, leaving only the protagonist surrounded by enough corpses to last the winter and then some.  However, at the moment of his victory, the airplane door opens and… we learn that the plane had been grounded for three hours for de-icing is now ready to fly to Florida!.

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emasculation by pollution control

Posted in general, Society with tags , , on July 19, 2009 by wkct

I have been emasculated by the Federal Beast. Specifically, I’ve been emasculated by the Federal Beast’s demands for fuel efficiency.

I did a little research last night on my engine and decided I’d have a poke around. Check the oil, look for leaks, look like I know what I’m doing, typical guy stuff. I opened the hood, looked around and decided that I would figure out how to change my spark plugs.

I found the electronic ignition, three sparks at three weird angles and, ugh, well…

I know there are three other sparks facing the firewall, but actually seeing them is beyond the reach of even the most hardy man. They are hidden behind the alternator, the coolant overflow reservoir, and some other bullshit I’ve never seen before.

What the fuck???

I remember, maybe thirty years ago, standing in the engine bay of a 1969 Nova removing a water pump. No face on the engine, no fucking problem. Now, that’s the way cars should be, free of pollution control, computers, and weird ass sensors.

Computers should be nowhere near cars, except when you bully some Beardo the Weirdo by taking his Mac and running it over with a fatty tire.

Remember when you didn’t need a torque wrench, specialty tools, a computer and a high speed internet connection to change a radiator hose? You certainly didn’t need to remove three fourths of the engine to get to fuel filter. You could change out you’re crappy AM radio without frying the electrical system and you could install fog lights (which look cool though they are totally useless) without setting the car on fire and having the engine computer reboot to 1925.

See, you could take care of your own car, you could make many of your own repairs. You were in spiritual touch with the cowboys of long ago, who could comb and shoe their horse, or change their water pumps on the Chisholm trail.

Looking into the Gordian knot of hoses, wires and tubing, I realized that there was nothing I could do except fill the wiper fluid reserve. Later, I found that my penis had fallen off. I found it on the electric fan shroud. Totally emasculated by modern car technology.

my complaint about teenage girls

Posted in general, Society with tags , , , , on April 26, 2009 by wkct

Where should I go to file my complaint about teenage girls and the terrible thing I witnessed today?

I was driving through town with Coffee when I spotted groups of teen girls, soaking wet and in bikinis.  They were agitating on a few corners, waving signs.  One girl, with hips like a Neolithic fetish goddess, hid her form behind her sign, making it look as though she were naked. The rest just bounced around, waved their arms, dripped water in the hot sun, and pulled at their clinging shorts.

If I wasn’t with someone , I would have slammed on the brakes and ran screaming into the hills.

These hyperactive angels were promoting a car washing event to benefit their la cross team, or some such shit. The thing though is, the actual car washing was done by teenage boys!  This was a clear case of false advertising, which caused me terrible, terrible disappointment.

These girls were taught by their school that sex sells, and to display sex to sell something that totally is void of teenage sexiness, like a bunch of half-nake dudes cleaning my car.  I was outraged/totally turned on.  I cut through a parking lot to avoid a corner full of these beautiful creatures, to keep passing out from the excitement.

It was totally unfair!  I soooooooo wanted these girls to clean my car, while I watched from the bushes. 

So, today these girls learned how to sell things with their bodies, and I learned that I am a creepy pervert.  Lessons learned all around.