Archive for movies rants

my pitches for movie twists

Posted in general, Society with tags on August 4, 2009 by wkct

Just saw Surveillance, Jennifer Lynch’s return to the big screen. It sucked. I mean, it would have been good if it were twenty years ago. Jennifer Lynch simply copied her father David Lynch’s style from about a quarter century ago and then tried to make a surprise twist at the end. Unfortunately, I anticipated the twist the first few minutes into the movie.

Movie twists get weaker and weaker as the years pass since the Sixth Sense. I’ve decided to pitch to Hollywood my own plots that have super twists that no one is going to see coming.

Story 1
Ten strangers are invited to a haunted mansion by it’s creepy owner.  He offers anyone who can spend the night a million dollars.  The owner locks them all in and then one by one they are attacked by what appears to be ghosts.  Eight of the guests end up dying.  Only the hero and his girlfriend survive.  The find that the creepy mansion owner is actually behind all the murders, and the supernatural attacks were all faked. They kill the mansion owner and then escape the building, finding themselves in the light of a new day.  But it turns out… they were trapped in the White House and they just killed the President!

Story 2
A man and his wife spend years fixing up a brownstone in an changing neighborhood in an unnamed city.  The wife goes away on a business trip, leaving her husband alone.  He finds that rats are gnawing through is beautifully restored building and eating everything in sight.  They chew through walls, the back of cabinets, and through doors.  He engages the rats in a battle of wits, and the rats we discover are unusually intelligent.  He turns his brownstone into a battlefield and wins a pyrrhic victory against the rats when he kills the young and their hulking mother.  Upon inspection, he finds that… the rats were actually an illegal immigrant Mexican woman and her children!

Story 3
A soccer team is stuck in a disabled airplane.  They are hungry and cold.  They alpha males amongst them plot on how to survive and decide to eat the weaker team members.  In the cramped confines of a commerical jet, they kill their teammates, one by one.  Eventually the group splits into two groups, one with our protagonist and one with our antagonist.  Moral issues arise about how many to kill, or whether to continue killing. Eventually, the antagonist and the protagonist battle to the death after the demise of their groups, leaving only the protagonist surrounded by enough corpses to last the winter and then some.  However, at the moment of his victory, the airplane door opens and… we learn that the plane had been grounded for three hours for de-icing is now ready to fly to Florida!.