dazed confused and stupid

Went to work today. For about an hour. Before hours.  I signed everything in my basket and then did some basic work on the reports I do.  I farmed out some work and told one of my workers that he did a fine job on some important tasks. I caught up with my manager. I listened to some complaints about the joint from my fellow supervisors. 

I realized early on that I was ready to take someone’s head off.  I had no Xanax to calm me down, and the nicotine gum is no longer working to distract me from my need to smoke.  I took off. I didn’t even sign in.

I’m no longer making intelligent decisions.  Long story short, after I left work I went to Geena’s.  I printed out her son’s homework since their  printer’s on the fritz.  My home printer is useless since the cartridges are dead.  I totally messed up getting her her  new apartment application, the real reason I drove into Racoon City today.  It seems like I can’t solve the simplest of problems.  I’m totally on the edge. I’ve gone.. quite… mad.

email confessions

I sent this one out today – no one responded.

I  am a junkie. i suffer from multiple addictions.the current one i am trying to overcome is my favorite – menthol cigarettes.

 

firstly, let me acknowledge a power higher than myself. unfortunately, that power resides with the sophomore cheerleading team at Henrick Hudson high school. I deal with them later

 

i would like to make amends. Foxylove, Wondergirl, Geena, I am sorry that I broke into your homes and stole your used underwear to masturbate with. Actually, that hasn’t happened yet, but I suspect it will, so I’m apologizing early.

 

Sorry to Harridan for borrowing ten dollars that I still owe you.  I’m sure you thought I needed it for food. Instead, I bought a pack of Newports from Maria’s. This was hours after I vowed I’d never smoke again.

 

Sorry to everyone for being a bad friend. Sorry to Geena for dragging you out into the cold to smoke with me. sorry man

 

so… don’t lend me any money, don’t trust anything I say, for a while anyway. if you have a god, pray for me. if not, please put up with my mood swings.

 

i’m trying my best. It’s probably not good enough, but it’s all i got.

knuckles are whitening

Old habits die hard.  First thing I did when I got up was need a cigarette.  I used the nicotine gum.

Then i saw the porch door was closed.  I went to open it to vent the smoke, but realized there was  no smoke.

Then, after I  emailed in that I wasn’t coming to work, I started worrying about being out.  Of course, I’m totally replaceable and my unit runs just fine without me.

As I was playing solitaire to clear my mind, I just kept thinking how I wouldn’t make it.

To get my mind off that, I posted this blog.

And then I found something interesting: the WordPress spellchecker doesn’t recognize the word blog.

another pseudoday without smokes

I responded to an email from Wondergirl today. The email was about whether one could have sex with a hot young post op transsexual and it not being gay. BTW, i assure you this was tongue and cheek. BTW, that’s not a pun

Here’s the email

u know, i’m not in control of my gonads today

today if the first day of…aw fuck it – cold turkey from smokes since six thirty this morning – only two piece of nicotine gum. not bad. not good

i CRAVE cigarette. i love how the make me feel. pretty, feminine. oh wait, that’s panties. no, i means the cigarettes make me relaxed, and full of cool carolina flavor.

i don’t want to trade the nicotine gum for cigarettes. i want off this addiction carousel

Yeah, here we go again. I stayed home from work today to be with Coffee. It was a quick decision, to leverage her being home with my quitting attempt. It’s only been a pseudoday without smokes since i finished my last two – in a row – about six fifteen this morning.

I’ve been suffering from, I think, complete full-blown depression for days at the thought of quitting. I first I thought it was guilt from still smoking, but now I know the feelings I’ve been experiencing are all about taking on this chore.

first day without smokes

this morning starts the first day  i’ll be smoke free. putatively, that is. i’m not nicotine free yet. i’m chomping on some nicotine gum now.

the stressors have already started. my friend is probably losing her apartment, and tho i’ve gotten paid, i’m just about out of money for the next two weeks.  i’ve already had a few flashes about buying some cigarettes to get over this hump, but isn’t every day some kind of hump?

just not committed yet.  i figure i’ll have to build up some commitment, from somewhere. after all the starts and stops, i just don’t feel like i have any resources in me left.