Archive for white knuckles

becoming unhinged

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking with tags , , , , on May 10, 2009 by wkct
Now I know why all mental patients smoke like fiends.  Smoking keeps back the darkness.
 
Even with the Nicorette gum, I’m jittery, anxious, tired and nervous.  I can’t really relax.  Really relaxing involves lighting up, sucking in that cool Carolina flavor and feeling my chest expand with smoke.  Now, that’s relaxing.
 
Drinking water, staying busy, and chewing nicotine-laced gum in almost the opposite of relaxing. It’s like climbing oil coated stairs. When I take a deep breath, there’s only air, and I feel like – oddly enough – I can’t breath.
 
For over a quarter of a century my little tubular friends helped me hold back the darkness. Hell, they did all the work, all I had to do was inhale. How does anyone get through the day without twenty or thirty cigarettes???
 
I feel like I’m dying, though the exact opposite is happening; my lungs are starting to clear a bit and I have a little bit – and I mean just an iota – more of stamina.
 
I’m depressed and I’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes.  Could cigarettes have been keeping me from developing psychosis?  Is is just I haven’t pulled my hair back for two days and I’m see strands of hair?  I guess we’ll know in a few weeks when I’m either starting my new health(ier) life or I’m strapped down to a gurney in a psych ward, listening to other patients scream about bugs.
 
Nothing’s making me feel better. I’ve done a bunch of chores but nothing gives me a sense of accomplishment because there’s no smoke reward. Even internet pornography isn’t helping, though I bravely gave it a try.  I don’t know if actual physical contact with a living woman would even help at this point.
 
This is A DAY AND A HALF of quitting! What about a week and a half, a month and a half??
 
Since I went off the Chantix I’ve quit for a day or two here and there, but this is the worse.  Maybe I’m motivated to quit so I know that there’s no cheating in the future. I think this is my last chance.  Shit, just writing that made my heart race. I hate this, though I’m glad to be free of giving my money away to the pump jockey at the gas station, and not having to stand on my porch like a dumbass,  looking at the muddy, spotty grass.
 
This is terrible.
 
 
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so tired of quitting

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , on April 13, 2009 by wkct

I’m so tired of this nonsense.  I can’t wait until I’m passed this. 

At least I have In Treatment tonight to take my mind off smoking. I also have a large supply of cake. Mmmm. Cake.

I’ll try to put together something informational and entertaining… tomorrow.  I’m just not up to it today.

am i really quitting smoking?

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , on April 12, 2009 by wkct

Am I really quitting smoking when I’m chomping on my dwindling supply of nicotine gum?  Sure, my breathing is a bit better, and I’m not spending any money on smokes, but still, I’m getting my blasts of nicotine.  A big part of smoking is the chemical addiction to  nicotine.

As I learned with my experience with Chantix,  my smoking addiction is deeper than just the nicotine.  I was completely nicotine free for months when I decided to have just one smoke.  I thought if I indulged myself, I would stop obsessing on smoking.  I missed it – missed the feeling of the smoke entering my body, filling me up, the catch in the back of my throat, the thorough joy of sitting on the couch in front of the TV with a pack of smokes and my computer.

One cigarette.  Then a little while later, another.  Then a whole pack.  Then another whole pack.  And then two whole packs.  Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the dirt road watching the wagon rumble away without me.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to have limit my nicotine gum. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I must return to work Monday.  I’ve got to face everyday life instead of hiding in the apartment with my cat babies and my Xanax.

knuckles are whitening

Posted in addictions, quitting smoking, smoking with tags , , , , , on April 9, 2009 by wkct

Old habits die hard.  First thing I did when I got up was need a cigarette.  I used the nicotine gum.

Then i saw the porch door was closed.  I went to open it to vent the smoke, but realized there was  no smoke.

Then, after I  emailed in that I wasn’t coming to work, I started worrying about being out.  Of course, I’m totally replaceable and my unit runs just fine without me.

As I was playing solitaire to clear my mind, I just kept thinking how I wouldn’t make it.

To get my mind off that, I posted this blog.

And then I found something interesting: the WordPress spellchecker doesn’t recognize the word blog.